Final Leap of Faith
It is frightening to make that final leap of faith, take that final step. I am always afraid of being found out, or someone discovering that I am not quite as good in real life as I am on paper. I have not made anything up or lied about any of my accomplishments, but they certainly are more significant in writing than they are in reality. At least that is what I see.
I am so close to beginning to work at the level I want, but once I make that commitment I will have to keep it up and I am afraid that I will not be able to do so. I am, well, I am afraid of everything. If you meet me at work, or in a bar though this is not apparent. On the inside though I am just plain scared and there is very little I can do to change this; I can however mask it very well. This is an art I was taught at a young age and over the years have learned to master it.
I well understand that creative types are moody and insecure, uncertain and needy, but I always thought I could avoid this behavior. I thought that being aware of it would make me immune, that I could overcome. This does not appear to be the case, and it seems that the more I achieve the more afraid of it all I become. It would have been easier to stay under the radar. The problem with this theory, is that ultimately I know that staying under the radar would never satisfy me. I am passionate and have an innate drive to succeed and make my mark.
In the end this boils down to a simple question of what is more important — eliminating my fear or following through with my need, no desire, to leave my footprint. I know what the answer is, I just don’t know the answer to staying happy along the way.
Being Treated Like a Girl
I’ll be the first to admit that being a woman has some advantages and that as a young girl I learned, and mastered, the art of flirting, using it as an aid to to steer events towards the desired outcome. This, however, is only advantageous when I am in control and have the power to walk away from it when I so choose.
I recently began working for a company that is made up primarily of Russians and religious Jews, mostly men. In my immediate group, not only am I the only woman, but I am by far the youngest — two counts against me. They are all nice to me, there is no overt attitude of sexism directed at me, but there is an underlying lack of faith in my ability to know what is the right thing to do and make tough decisions. There is a palpable tension when I disagree with their ideas too much.
I am not the only woman in the office, but am only one of two who are not Russian or Jewish, and it was my strong suggestion to hire the other woman. I am aware that they have the best of intentions, but I am not used to, nor do I want, this type of relationship. Any challenge is, mental or physical, is met with an air of disbelief that we can handle it, let alone succeed. Once we are successful we are met with extensive praise, over-the-top praise that is meant in good faith, but simply leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It feels in genuine and forced, and it leaves me feeling that my abilities have been questioned and my skills undermined.
This pervasive attitude from all the men in the organization spills over into all events tied to the office. On a recent company retreat our ability to hike the trail was questioned as we were incessantly asked if we had hiked before and would be able to handle the more difficult of the two trails. We are both young and in shape; there is nothing in our outward appearance to suggest that we would not make it through to the end of the trail, yet again and again we were questioned. At the end, although we finished ahead of everyone else, we were still questioned as to our physical state — in other words, were we okay?
I was parented less as a child than I am as a grown woman in this office. Even though their intentions are good, it becomes a daily chore to have to placate them, reassure them that I am in fact okay, I am not hungry, and not only will I make it through today, I will arrive again tomorrow.
Middle of the Night
Sometimes we’re lucky enough to steal a moment in the dark, when it’s quiet, and even in the middle of the city we’re alone. It’s a special time that is our own, a precious minute or two that no one can take from us. No one demands our time, or energies. No one can ask for our thoughts or our focus. When you find yourself in this moment leave the lights off, sit quietly, and don’t let your mind drift from where you are.
The Dysfunctional Question
Recently, while sitting down to a lunch of comfort food south of 14th Street, a friend asked me how she can tell if her relationship of 2 years is dysfunctional or not. This is a big question, and I think one not easily, or clearly, answered. To some the definition of dysfunction may seem very clear, but for the many of us who come from a less than functional background it is not so well defined. We are left with no clear understanding of where we begin and another ends, or what our self-worth is, or any number of other psychological issues that, over the years, we pay thousands of dollars to a professional to help us comprehend. For us, this question of dysfunction, ours or another’s, is one that is permanently tethered to our hearts, and one that is never fully answered. In the end, we just want to know we’re loved, and know that we can truly love another.
Ugly Thoughts
Such ugly thoughts. I really hate him. I want to punch him in the face. I want to see the look of surprise in his eyes right after contact but before he feels the physical pain. I want some of the control, just for a minute, and I want him to know that I count for something.
That would certainly end it though and I’m not ready for that.
I want to scream at him. As if my speaking louder would actually make him understand what I say, and see it’s truth. I just know that sometimes what I say is truth. I’m not one to never assume responsibility and apologize for what I do wrong. If I apologize so often, then isn’t it only right that sometimes he’s the one who is wrong and should apologize to me? Is it really possible that I am always the one who is wrong? That I am always the one who is rude, or short tempered, or unreasonable doesn’t make sense. In his mind though it’s always my fault. Then no amount of apologizing will make up for it.
He always has an answer for why he acted the way he did; why I caused him to act the way he did. When I apologize I am careful to say that I’m sorry for making him yell at me, that I’m sorry for making him react the way that he did and that I’ll never do it again.
I try so very hard to never do it again.
Falsifying Grades is Only a Small Step Above Padding Grades
Last week the press broke the story of two individuals at Touro College in NYC who took money for grades and fake diplomas. By doing this they undermined the entire educational system and took away the credibility of the institution. Touro is a third tier school, but they serve an important purpose — to give an education to those who would not otherwise get one from another institution. Many Touro students are admitted with less than stellar grades and poor test scores, but they still want to get a solid education.
This brings me to the heart of the problem though. Touro does not offer a solid education. Grading is not taken seriously and many of the professors are less than professional. They either do not know the material or are under qualified to teach it. Many of the administration are an embarrassment to education as they are not well spoken or well written.
College has changed dramatically since I graduated in 1998. I’m sure there are some schools still out there that follow the more traditional model, where students put classes and learning first. Where teachers are fully qualified to teach the material and students are given solid ground to stand on upon graduation. At so many schools though this is not the case. Touro is only one example of a school that has fallen into the model of education as company. Touro does differ from the for profit schools in that it does not answer to stock holders and the ever changing market, but it does answer to “the board” and that makes it equally as dangerous.
I have inside knowledge about the lack of desire to bring up the standards of education. This is not to say that the administration is not quickly and thoroughly handling the illegal activities of a couple of fellow administrators, but they are slow to acknowledge to larger problem of the quality of the education. How different is this really from instructors padding grades and passing students just so they don’t have to do the work. Many may disagree with this assessment, but there is a close connection. One is for money, one is for time, but both show a complete disrespect for the institution of education. Many colleges need to examine this closely and give students the time and effort they deserve and need to succeed.
Won’t This Semester Ever End?!
I teach college classes to graduate and undergraduate students and can’t wait for this semester to end. This has been a particularly tyring semester and it’s not just me. All of my professor friends from other colleges feel the same way… we’ve come to the conclusion, that there’s something in the water. The bottom line is that my students do not pay attention, well at least until they need to know how to do something. Right now for example I am admininistering a final exam. I teach design classes, so it’s a pretty easy exam. I handed out an instruction sheet at the beginning of class detailing everything they have to do from start to finish, but they continue to plague me with questions. I try to keep my patience and not give them the curt, albeit appropriate response, which is “read the damn instructions!”
I know that every generation has complaints about the ones that follow, but of course I think this time it’s really true. This generation is pushy and rude and wants everything done for them immediately. The attitude is obvious in the classroom and in the office. I will be the first to admit that I was not always that polite nor did I entirely respect authority, but I understood the rules of decorum. It was okay to act one way with your friends, but not appropriate to exude the same attitude at school or work. My friends and I worked hard at school and earned our grades and promotions, we didn’t think we deserved them just for showing up.
I know, I know, for many this is a tired old debate, but consider how those of use in the trenches, so-to-speak, feel. It’s not seen by the students as a lack of respect, on the contrary I believe I am quite respected on campus and students often contact me for my opinion outside of the classroom, but this only makes me feel worse about it. This pervasive attitude of self-importance simply pushes everyone apart and makes it extremely difficult to work towards a united goal. If this trend continues, well I guess I’ll just feel older, and more out of touch with the next generation.
